Things My Momma Never Told Me
So many things my Momma never told me: In my fifth month of pregnancy I sneezed and peed simultaneously. I didn’t even know that was possible, but it is. It is also possible to laugh, And piss your pants, or pass some gas and poop your pants… yep. That happens too. So many things my Momma never told me: The “glow” that I had while pregnant was really just swollen ankels. Well, I mean cankles. Socks never even fit. Talk about barefoot and pregnant, I lived it! Not to mention the inability to shit in the morning. Instead of dropping the kids off at the pool, I was looking for pills to Soften my stool because prune juice is some nasty stuff. So many things my Momma never told me: I acquired super human abilities while I was growing babies; Such as the power to smell a rancid fart from a mile away. There is nothing quite like the wafting rotting odor of old man bowels in the grocery store- two aisles over from my selection of canned goods. My cankles kept me from running Like I once could. My gag reflex become spot on and I could hurl on cue…just not on my shoes… cause I couldn’t even see nor wear them bastards. So many things my Momma never told me: How do I shave my legs when I can’t even see them? I didn’t want to give birth looking like a sasquatch squatting in the forest. This task required graceful balance of which I had none. But I did have a mirror, a tub, and a belly as big as Santa Clause who may or may not have eaten his entire herd of reindeer. Shaving legs while pregnant and swollen? Easier said than done! So many things my Momma never told me. Thanks Mom, for all of your non-existent advice A little heads-up would have been nice.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMolly Roland is a writer by nature, and she enjoys stepping over the invisible lines society loves to draw. Categories |