Things My Momma Never Told Me

Things My Momma Never Told Me

So many things my Momma never told me:

In my fifth month of pregnancy
I sneezed
and peed
simultaneously.
I didn’t even know that was possible,
but it is.
It is also possible
to laugh,
And piss your pants,
or pass some gas
and poop your pants…
yep.
That happens too.

So many things my Momma never told me:

The “glow” that I had while pregnant
was really just swollen ankels.
Well, I mean cankles.
Socks never even fit.
Talk about barefoot and pregnant, I lived it!
Not to mention the inability to shit
in the morning.
Instead of dropping the kids off at the pool,
I was looking for pills to
Soften my stool
because prune juice is some nasty stuff.

So many things my Momma never told me:

I acquired super human abilities
while I was growing babies;
Such as the power to smell a rancid fart
from a mile away.
There is nothing quite like
the wafting rotting odor
of old man bowels in the grocery store-
two aisles over
from my selection of
canned goods.
My cankles kept me from running
Like I once could.
My gag reflex become spot on
and I could hurl on cue…just not on my shoes…
cause I couldn’t even see
nor wear  them bastards.

So many things my Momma never told me:

How do I shave my legs
when I can’t even see them?
I didn’t want to give birth
looking like a sasquatch
squatting in the forest.
This task required graceful balance
of which I had none.
But I did have a mirror, a tub,
and a belly as big as Santa Clause
who may or may not have eaten
his entire herd of reindeer.
Shaving legs while pregnant and swollen?
Easier said than done!

So many things my Momma never told me.
Thanks Mom, for all of your non-existent advice
A little heads-up would have been nice.