The Mutiny of Lard Ass

The Mutiny of Lard Ass

 

                I despise people who can’t control themselves. This is the exact reason why I have a shovel, a handsaw and a big duffel bag. That bastard had no idea what hit him. Maybe I should have let him see the swing of my shovel, but I didn’t need any problems. His lard ass was enough of a problem.

                He couldn’t control his sick and twisted urges. He liked to sit outside and flash the kids. The local police never did anything but talk to him. I was tired of listening to my little sister talk about how Lard Ass was inviting the neighbor kids over for “Brownies and Movies”. So I decided to control my own urges in a neat and orderly fashion.

                I may be small, but I can dismember with the best of them. Big men are easier to carry in pieces. This old Lard Ass took me three trips, but I was done with him by two in the morning. He was a moaner, and I had to shove three socks in his fat mouth to quiet him, but I got the job done.

                This whole episode was one of my favorite times when my young, short, fun sized nature played to my advantage. Now, Lard Ass is feeding the gardens on the farm in the form of hog shit, and I am finishing my book report for Lit class. Peace out, pervert!

**I would just like to clarify that the first line of this piece is not my original work. The Mutiny of Lard Ass was originally submitted into the River City Reader's short fiction contest"I'm With the Banned" so therefore, the first line is from In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote.