Unmothered

We lost a baby. Not physically but emotionally. It feels nearly as bad. She emailed me to tell me that she was pregnant and asked if we wanted to adopt him because she wanted him to have a better life than she could provide.

For 24 days we discussed the adoption. We went to the lawyer, we went to Social Services, we got the ball rolling. We purchased clothes and baby bedding. We created registries. We told our family. We told our friends. I had second thoughts. I began to mourn my childless life. I started thinking about the things I’d miss and how I’d have to start abiding traffic laws.

Then I started to think about the good things; Christmases with Isaac (that was going to be his name), martial arts lessons, summer reading clubs at the library. I started getting used to the idea of sharing my life with a newcomer. I started looking forward to it.

Then she sent another email saying that she was having second thoughts. I was encouraging and sympathetic. I tried to be a good friend but inside I wept. I screamed. I started thinking about undoing all of the things I’d done. I held out hope. Those hopes were dashed with the next email.

She changed her mind. She was keeping the baby. She said when she made the decision to place him with us she wasn’t thinking about him. I questioned if she was doing that now. She pulled the plug. She unfriended me. She crushed my dreams and broke my heart.

I returned the baby clothes. I returned the stroller. I deleted the gift registries. I told my friends.

As soon as Isaac came into my life; he was gone. I was unmothered.