The Whack Shack, Vol. 5: Avenza, or The Yellow and White Pill, or My Toxic PDoc is a douche AND a genius!

By Nicole Cater

For openers, when I was admitted late Friday (it was Friday, wasn’t it?) night, I told everyone who would listen that I wanted nothing to do with Toxic Pdoc. Sadly, he was the on-call doc, so they at least had to call him in order to get me admitted. Saturday, I was told I would have my visit with him. Au Contraire, mon frère!  I will not see him, you can’t make me, I signed myself in, and I’ll sign myself out.

Yeah, shit ain’t that easy. If you go in and won’t see a doc, plan for a five day visit. Just saying… That little box you initial that says they can’t keep you against your will comes with stipulations. Which they don’t tell you until afterward…

Turns out the nurses on my side of the line are pretty damn cool. Here’s a waiver, let’s see if he’ll switch you. TPdoc doesn’t want me anyway, I’m sure he’ll put his John Hancock on that in a hot second. He signs the paper, and viola, I will be assigned a new Pdoc.

Whoa, hold your hour horses there, Pardner!  Turns out all the other Pdocs are too busy with new assigned kooks, and I’m a kook who’s already seen this Pdoc for a while; I can surely bear with him for a few more days. Fucking doctors!

So I don’t see TPdoc on Saturday, because they’re still hoping someone will take me. Nope!  Sunday, and Miss Karen, the most badass nurse on the ward, takes me in to see TPdoc. Sidebar on Miss Karen: She loves me. I am a model patient. I am polite to a fault. I don’t nag the nurses about stupid things. I generally keep to myself, except when I see I can help somebody. She keeps requesting me as her patient. She also thinks I have a calming influence on the other crazies. Ha!  She also knows that I hate, loathe, and fear TPdoc, so she stays in the room for my appointment. I repay her by telling TPdoc that the nursing staff is taking excellent care of me. She gives me subtle thumbs up.

First thing out of his mouth, I shit you not:  “How long have you been taking Tramadol?  Do you know that can cause seizures with the Lamictal?”  Well, I’m a business major, so no, didn’t really know that, and I’ve told you, several times in fact, that I’ve been on it for about six years for my Ankylosing Spondylitis, you know, that DISEASE you keep referring to as simple back pain?  Ugh, what a douche!

No more Tramadol for me. Instead I get, da da da daaaa, Avenza!  Avenza, well goodness, what’s that?  Morphine in a pill, that’s what that is. And its gooooooooood shit!  One pill every 24 hours, and I’m pretty much pain free. Pretty much, not all the way, but still, pretty good. The only problem was they gave me the first pill with my meager lunch serving of mac’n’cheese. “Just in case you need to take it with food…”  Two hours later and I was on Cloud 10. I didn’t even know my own name. I think it was Pinkie Sparkles or some stripper name like that. At some point a giant gopher came into my room and said something about “Group.” I giggled and rolled back over in bed. A tech came in to check my vitals. My temp was normal, so that was good. My blood pressure was 98/50. A lot more giggling... I was roused enough to eat a Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and went back to bed.

The nurses called TPdoc and asked if he could change standing orders so I could be given the pill at bedtime.

Giggle giggle giggle giggle.