Tales from the Whack Shack – Vol. 11: What happens in the nut hut should stay in the nut hut

By Nicole Cater

You may not be taking a fun-filled excursion to Vegas for a weekend of debauchery, but believe me, this rule is important. Very important. It’s extremely important for overly empathetic Bipolars to remember when faced with a nice guy who would dearly love to tap that… but is also suicidal with anger management issues… and a fiancé.

I took an interest in John Doe because his issues reminded me of one of my oldest friends. Minus the suicide, Michael is way too vain for that. But he was angry because he thought his opinions were always right, and that he was always right and it would make him mad when people disagreed with him or could not comprehend his point of view. Well, turns out I’ve been running around this same block for 20-some years, so I spoke up and offered my opinion. You see things your way, they see things their way, and guess what, you can both be right, one doesn’t have to invalidate the other. You can’t be mad at other people having opinions unless you are willing to let them be mad at you for having yours. Mr. Group Counselor was impressed by my insights. Yep, I’ve got mad psychology skillz, raise the roof.

After that, John Doe would seek me out. He felt that I was someone he could talk to. Yeah, they always feel that way. We would sit in the community room or walk the halls and talk about his problems. By nature, I usually don’t like to talk about my inner brain matter, because, well, I’m crazy. But we would talk about his and how it related to his life…blah blah blah.

Somewhere along the line, shortly before his imminent discharge, he confesses that he is highly attracted to me. Of course he is, I’m a hottie, duh. Of course, he also thought I was 23, so I guess that doesn’t say much for his skills of perception. But here’s the deal. I’m screwed up. He’s screwed up. We’re in a freakin’ mental institution. This does not a love story make. And did I mention the fiancé?

Being no stranger to unwanted attention of creepers, and also quite capable of letting them down so they don’t feel let down, I explained that I was very flattered he thought so highly of me, but I really wasn’t in a place for a relationship. And he had a fiancé.

Now, here’s where the rule comes into play. Sure, there’s a whole slew of Nicole Caters out there. I enjoy conversing with them frequently. But only one lives in Rock Island and has pink hair. Crap!  Freakin’ Facebook!  Stupid, idiotic me for allowing the friend request. But John Does still needs to talk, so I guess it’s harmless to listen as he does his instant message bitching. I might even be able to help the guy out. The guy with the fiancé.

This is fine, I can handle this. It’s a stupid move. But lord knows I’ve made stupider ones. Is stupider even a word?  But now I sort of live in fear of getting on Facebook. Because John Doe is always on. And he always wants advice. Mostly about his fiancé. And what exactly do I consider cheating, because he thinks he needs a friend with benefits. Oh…….kay!  Update status to in a relationship. Sorry, John Doe, we can IM, but we can’t talk on the phone and we can’t hang, it wouldn’t be proper in “new” relationship.

Now some of John Doe’s problems are non-problems caused by him just being jerk. So, by all means, I feel free to tell him what the hell he’s doing wrong, and maybe try and fix that. Other problems are just weird. Like do I think he’s a bad person because he just needs a FWB because his fiancé doesn’t put out?  Now, as I have no intention of getting involved in this drama whatsoever, I tell him he’s an adult, he makes his own choices, and I don’t judge. Why the hell do I care who John Doe wants to sleep with?

Well, because he wants to sleep with me. Um, can I get a hell no?  First off, I do not find anything about John Doe attractive in the least. He’s 10 years younger than me, and that just kind of makes me feel icky. And I may be going through one hell of a dry spell, but he’s not who I want to jump back into the action with. At all. No. Nada.

Except how do you respond to an IM that asks if you want to be gone down on?  Personally, I said I was going out for pizza and would have to talk later.