For Colton, Because I Didn't Know

by Jamie Walker

It's unbearable pain that I carry for another human. The kind you wouldn't understand at first. The kind of pain that is felt physically yet caused by an emotion. It grips you like a snake squeezing, slowing the pulse of your blood to a slow bomp.... bomp.... bomp. Vision blurs and the mind reels. It's a hand against my mouth and a cry behind my lips. My heart ripping to pieces in my chest. I cry alone in my room because its too hard to put into words. 

They found the boy, but they only found the body. Not the sweet, smiling brunette boy from the pictures. Not the laughing baby whose daddy loved him. Not the innocent child who went with his momma in a car he didn't know. The same little love who closed his eyes not understanding as his momma hit him hard. A little life done and gone. No second chances. Left in a field, abandoned and alone.

I would have taken him. Kept him for you. He could have grown up and had a chance to live. My son would have loved a little brother to grow up with. You could have done anything else. If you hated him so much why keep him? Your family saw the abuse yet chose to remain silent through the suffering of that precious baby. The marks on his back and arms, the dried blood at his temple. Yet no one said a word. The shame of giving him away would have been nothing like shame you are faced with now, the shame of ending his life. The whole world knows what you've done. As his mother, you were his God. His everything, his life force, protector and nurturer. 

Now, you are his murderer and I will never forgive you the pain you caused him and the pain you caused me. Were it not for you, I wouldn't cling so tightly to my son. Anxiety would not sleep with me in my bed. Anger would not live in my heart. I would not live each day with the fear that the tomorrow I hold so dear may never arrive for my beautiful baby boy. 

They found the missing boy, but all they found was the body and it's all your fault.

*Colton's murder has not been solved, nor has his mother been proven guilty in a court of law. Circumstances and preliminary reports insinuate her guilt in the case. There are some things I know to be true in my heart, however painful. This is one of those times where I wish I could open my home to these babies, give them refuge and hope. I didn't know this baby needed help, needed someone, anyone, or I would have been there. We should all bear that guilt. We have failed him as a race as we have failed so many countless others.