Fallen

by...Jamie Walker



            I can’t feel anymore. Everything is numb. It never used to be this way, did it? I don’t remember how I got here. The darkness closes in over me, crowding me, pulling me deeper. I want to reach upward, but my arms will not obey the command. There is a strange calm in my mind. It’s cold here, so cold. I can feel the ripple of my mind beneath the surface of the cold that is currently enveloping me.             Slowly, the haze lifts from my eyes. I cannot see clearly, though I know I am in water. Weightless and floating. Wetness against my eyes. A tank. A large tank. 

Where am I?  
How did I get here?  

        I have no memory of where I was or how I came to be here. I feel a strange sense of relief through the fog. Like I no longer have a purpose and that suits me. 

        There, just there, I see a coat. It’s white. I cannot recall what kind of coat it is or put a name to it. Something about it feels standard, issued perhaps. I can feel my arms bound down to my sides. A pulling at my ankles that are bound together. Strange. The feeling is returning to my legs. I see him now. Clearly and beautifully, yet I cannot remember his name or how I know him. It’s just there, just a little farther below in my mind, but it is gone as I try to reach out and grasp the thought. His eyes look sad and I wish to never see them sad again. He gazes upon me calculative and analyzing. My eyes have adjusted enough around me to see him more clearly. Through the glass I watch him standing, tall and commanding. It’s his eyes, but who they belong to I cannot recall. Machines all around me being viewed by people standing in the room. There is a man in a dark suit near the door, he seems to be in charge. The water against my skin is heavy, though it feels much lighter than water. Have I been in water before? He steps away from me and I feel a deep sadness, a tugging from my heart I cannot explain. I don’t know him, but my arms are pulling away from my body against the binds, trying to reach towards him. My mind screams at me to do something, but what I don’t know. 

        A younger woman than him approaches me and seems to be asking me questions, but I can’t understand her. Everything is muted to my ears. Her lips begin to move again and I try to focus on the shapes they form. Regardless of my concentration, her message is still lost to me. She turns to leave and I wish her to return. Her face is kind and comforting. I am so tired. I drift to sleep.       
          
        I awake to darkness. Startling darkness. I search for him, but he isn’t here. I push my arms again and find them bound still. I try to pull my knees to my chest. Every move is so heavy, my efforts so exaggerated. My muscles are weak. I examine what I can see of myself. Legs, there are two. Arms, there are two. A glare of light against the glass of the tank gives a reflection of myself. A distance of five feet or so afford me a full view of myself. I examine my face. It’s pale, yet delicate. My hair is blonde and long, clouding in large curls around my head.     
            
        The initial shock of my reflection is not my face, nor my hair or the pair of arms or legs that stun my foggy mind. It is the wings behind me that send my mind reeling. The massive span of wings, huge white wings with feathers of silk, glowing almost a silver they are so white. I stretch my wings now, slowly in the water. The memories flood my conscious all at once. Coming so fast they are painful. I fell, I fell so far for so long. The last thing I remember was his face before I fell.  Now I remember.  

I am Lilith.

I am an angel.  

And I fell from grace.